Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize