I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
