I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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