got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize