so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
