On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
