think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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