I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
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