when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
