you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I forget how to act sober
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize