don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
