I am spending my child support on dildos
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize