I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
