You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize