and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Randomize
