i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize