one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Randomize
