My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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