seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
