Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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