I am midnight drunk by noon
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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