just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
