i love accidental penises.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
