Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
