I'm jealous of your bromance
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
