Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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