Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
