Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Randomize