I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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