my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
