she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
