There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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