ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I don't deserve a penis
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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