He disabled his match.com account in front of me
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Randomize
