I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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