How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
