So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Randomize
