you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
