I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
