Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Randomize