I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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