guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I want to be your penis for a week.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
