Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
