I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Randomize
