I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Randomize
