I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
