My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Randomize
