I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
