she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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