And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Randomize
