i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize