Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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