I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
