So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize