I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
How does one acquire holy water?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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