Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
