I wanna bring you to show and tell
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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