from now on my penis is your penis
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Semen is not good for contacts.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
