I am puke
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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