There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
