you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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