its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
your like the ambassador to my penis.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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