i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
