My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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