That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
