On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
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