I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
