he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
