You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
