Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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