so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize