forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Randomize
