He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
