I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
