I'm going to rape someone's good day.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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