i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
